Contact: karenhetzer@gmail.com

A Personal Post

How did I let my life become so frigging stale and boring?! I walk around this big empty house (where I work) and ask myself what the F am I doing here.
A couple of days ago I needed to believe I was really going to be able to leave here (albeit not until spring) so I started going through my things.....tossing some stuff, packing and repacking other things that I haven't really bothered with since I got here. And as happens every time I move, I find in the bottom of a box thee large manila envelope from the fall of 2000 that contains print outs of email exchanges with an ex-love that I hadn't seen in many years. And over the course of the last few days I have picked it up and laid it down in several different places, never opening it, trying to decide whether to throw it away or continue to hold on to it. I think it represents to me a time in my life when there was passion, things were definitely not boring when I knew him.......there was love, lust, joy, passion, happiness, anger, pain, sadness.......and it was all brought back in those emails......I can't throw them away.
Today I reread them. I almost wrote him. Then I thought better of it.
He's out west, has been all these years, a writer and an award winning director, mostly documentaries. I was skeptical but flattered when he told me a character in one of his first films was modeled after me.......I couldn't help wonder how many people he had said that to...lol....its hard for me to trust anymore. Regardless, the part was played by Pauley Perrette, the gal who plays Abbey on NCIS, one of my favorite shows...pretty cool, so I'll allow myself to believe it :-)
Those emails came after a decade of loss and pain....my dad, two sisters, a marriage......it was good to remember a time when there was love, lust, joy, passion, happiness, anger, pain, sadness........I can't throw them away.
I need to feel all those things again.
How, is the question I need to answer.
Maybe then I can finally stop carrying them around in the bottom of a box everywhere I go.
Did you guess?....its a cold, gray, drizzly day here today.

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